Why we must bomb Utah NOW

1.) Mormons

Why God definitely does NOT exist...

...at least not the God of the Bible.

OK, I'm going to bring up two things.

1.) Can God make a burrito so hot that even he cannot eat it? If he can't make it, he's not omnipotent. If he can make it, he's not omnipotent because he's incapable of eating it. And no, the fact that this is a blatant contradiction of elementary logic does not prove that God exists, it proves you don't know anything about elementary logic.

2.) According to Christians, we have free will to make all of our choices. Also according to Christians, God knows everything that ever was, is, or will be, because he is omniscient.

Now, let's say Lil' Jimmy is going to a big dance recital, and needs to wear proper attire. He needs to pick a tie to wear--either the green tie or the red tie, because he's a stupid little shit and only owns two ties. God knows EVERYTHING, so he knows that Jimmy is going to pick the red tie, and has known that since before the universe was created because he knows fucking everything. The recital is coming up, so Jimmy needs to make his choice. He's sitting there, comparing the two ties in every detail... and, predictably, chooses the red tie.

Now let's take a look at this scenario. Did Jimmy actually make the choice? From his perspective, and from the perspective of anyone without magical psychic God-powers, he certainly did--he had two options and chose one.

But let's think here. God knew that Jimmy was going to pick the red tie before Jimmy picked it. He knew this with 100% certainty because he's God and he knows this shit, right? So here's the question: could Jimmy have picked the green tie?

Of course, unless you're an idiot, the answer is NO, because if Jimmy picked the green tie, then God would be wrong, and if God was wrong, he wouldn't be omniscient, and if he isn't omniscient, he's not God.

And so you see, free will and God cannot coexist. So please pick your poison. Either there is a divine plan and you aren't responsible for anything you do, and thus I could guiltlessly rape and murder hundreds of babies, or there is a non-omniscient, non-Christian God, or, finally, there is no God.

These are the only three possibilities. Either EVERYTHING is predestined due to God's foreknowledge, or God's an impotent little bitch and/or nonexistent.

Will the world end in 2012?

No.

Be sure to tell me if you disagree so I can come kick some sense into your dumb ass.

Diseasefuck

DISEASEFUCKIN'S SECKSY

Shower

Something odd I have noticed is how when I go a long time without showering, though my head hair gets pretty greasy, my beard stays perfectly dry, even though my face gets oily.

It doesn't get stinky, either, unlike some other parts of my body (like my PENIS AND BALLS LOLOL). It's food-proof, too; even messy/stickt things like syrup and gum don't stick in it.

I guess that, contrary to common perception, guys, if you want to stay clean, hell, grow a beard.

(This message brought to you by a guy who could currently pass for a hobo due to his beard and stench.)

Kyle

Turns out, he had the wrong number for me in his phone. Oops.

Prank

I've been pranking my friend Kyle all evening claiming to be "Becky Corona." How the hell does he not know it's me when I just fucking told him my number? This just keeps getting better, but I'm going to reveal myself soon.

I will duly report the outcome.

USB Key

OK, as I've previously mentioned, my 2 GB USB key got washed twice on accident, but it still works.

Now, I'll admit that I'm a bit sketchy on my knowledge on how flash memory works, but I have discovered a side-effect of the washing--some of my files actually got scrambled. It may be due to moisture inside the key causing data to be read differently, or maybe it somehow got scrambled, I don't know. But all the music files that were stored on it have strange skips, and my text documents that were on it have bits of gibberish interspersed with the original text.

It doesn't really bug me, since I need to get a new, bigger flash drive anyway, and I had all these files backed up in one place or another, but it certainly is hilarious to me that the USB key itself is still fully functional, but the files got physically changed.

HUNGRY MAYON

So I've eaten three one-pound Hungry Man TV dinners in the past fifteen hours, which is an assload of food, even for a fatass like myself, and yet I'm starving.

OK, I like my food, but typically I can't even eat very much really, especially lately--I hardly ever finish a whole meal that I sit down to eat, let alone three pounds of food within a timespan of like 10 hours.

I swear to God, like everything else we enjoy in America these days, these TV dinners must be made in China, because the sensation of fullness is passing through me like so much Chinese food, and will probably soon result in greasy, liquid diarrhea.

I'll be sure to post pics and video for you all to enjoy of the diarrhea, by the way. I know how much my friends tend to have poop fetishes.

Caylee Anthony

This has been a long time coming, but fucking Nancy Grace is on television again bitching about the murder of Caylee Anthony, and I've gotta say: Congratulations, Nancy, I officially don't give a fuck anymore.

Guess what? Lots of other children have been murdered since June. How many of them have beomce causes celebres? How mich airtime has this annoying backwoods Tennessee bitch on CNN Headline News (because when I think "headlines," I think ancient-ass stories like this getting covered incessantly for hundreds of fucking years) even considered giving to other child victims and their families?

Fuck Nancy Grace and fuck the rotten corpse of Caylee Anthony. I get it, she's fucking worm food. Let's move on already.